I reached the end of my rope on Friday and made a call to a friend of mine to get names of local nursing homes for my mother. The one at the top of her list is the closest to the cottage; I could walk there if I had to. Luck was on my side that day as I gathered my mother's hospital papers to take to the admissions director without an advance phone call or appointment. I think she could sense my desperation and she worked miracles to get my mother admitted that very afternoon. I was not aware that after a 3 day hospital stay patients have a 30 day window eligibility for a generous number of days in a nursing home to recuperate. I can't remember the exact number but I think it is around 3 weeks. It's a great place and we are both happy with the decision. Of course my mother would rather be home but she's being well cared for by very loving people and the food is good too. It's a small facility so the food is home cooked and is really delicious. Mother eats every bite and sometimes asks for between meal snacks. We went to physical therapy yesterday and she's still being evaluated. I think my mother is the envy of all the people in her wing because I spend as much time there as I can. She was so happy to see me after her first night there. She said she cried and cried because I wasn't there. Each night will get easier. I'm catching up with all the things I neglected while she was trying to get better at home. I miss her and it's my pleasure to sit with her. I can't wait to see what's for lunch today! image source
24 comments:
Always a tough decision to make, but there comes a point we have to face the inevitable. I'm glad you got her in---and I'm sure she appreciates all the visiting. Hope she is feeling better .....
I've worked often with people that have been ill and really require constant care when they're discharged. Yes, it's very common for people to get transferred to a place for several weeks. This has been offered for years. I just think many people aren't aware of the services that have always been in place. Every hospital around here have social workers, now called case workers, that will really take the confusion out of what to do.
You're so blessed to have a kind hearted mother. I always heard people mellow with age, sorry to say I've never seen that to be the case. I'm envious of the relationship you have with your mother. In the end that's all we ever really want isn't It? Sometimes it's just depressing.
Kathy
What a heart-wrenching decision for you to go through. You know you couldn't have kept going with the situation as it was. The Good Spirits were with you in that you found the opening for her in such a nice (close by!) facility. She will look forward to your visits always but will also settle in in a short time. Hugs.
Pat yourself on the back for all the years you provided a loving home, impeccable care and healthy meals.
What a difficult decision for you...my heart is with you. My dad just passed on at the age of 96 and wanted to stay at home for his death. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and if there hadn't been four of us to assist with the process, I simply couldn't have done it on my own.
How fortunate to have such a good care facility so close . It's so important to care for yourself too. Love and blessings to you
Oh, how lucky you are to have found such a nice place for Mom, as close by as well. I'll bet they will even let you bring Webster and Tabitha to visit. That will certainly bring a smile to her face. Good luck!
Rosemary....this is the very first time I've ever left a comment on a blog....but feel like I know a good deal about you because of your wonderful posts. This last year we had to seek help for my mother as well. She was 90,living in her original farm home in Illinois, had MD in her eyes, congestive heart failure, and on kidney dialysis as well. She did so well for so many years and then we needed some help through the night just for her safety. She was very hesitant about allowing another caregiver during the nights other than her immediate family. But, we all decided it was the best thing for Mom and she accepted things better than we thought she might. It was very hard at first, but she also knew we were all stretching ourselves and the stress was affecting our own families. Your mother doesn't want to deplete YOU in the process of helping HER. Maybe the care facility would allow the Wonder Dog to come to visit too! Many care facilities know that all the patients benefit from pets or animals making a visit. Bet he would look pretty cute in a Santa Hat for a visit. Bet it would cheer up your Mother so much. Try not to get the "guilties" about this, but remind yourself of the good nursing care, the home-cooked meals, etc. And every time you make some special treat at home, you can take it over to her. You will need to get rested up as well to face the next decision about getting some help for her in your home should she get stronger and return to the Cottage. I will be thinking of you both in the days to come. I'm sending loving support your way. Carol
Rosemary...have never left a comment before on a blog, but felt compelled to now. Try not to feel guilty about the decision to get some help for your mother. She needs nursing care, and round the clock monitoring until she can get stronger. You also need the time to rest through the night so you can get stronger as well. We faced a similar decision with our 90 year old mother who had MD of the eyes, congestive heart failure, and kidney dialysis. We found a lovely woman who could stay through the night with Mom and ensure her safety. It gave us a chance to keep our own families going as well as be there for Mom too. Would the facility allow a visit by the Wonder Dog? Bet you would see a sparkling smile from your Mother and all the other residents as well! Webster could look very charming in a Santa Hat! Your Mother knows how very much you love her, have her in your thoughts and prayers at all times. She's a lucky woman to have such a devoted daughter. Will be thinking of you both in the days to come.
You've really done the best thing for your Mother because no one can be a nurse 24 hours a day for very long. Eventually the nurse gets worn out and quality of care starts to slide - and everyone's a loser. I'm so happy you found a good place for her close to your cottage. I really admire your positive attitude.
I had to do the same thing a couple of years ago. Hard but it is in everyone's best interest. And those daily visits do go a long way towards mental health for both of you.
it seems to me,that this had to be cause everything fits in so good.please dont feel bad.i think this is the best for all of you and you have even more qualitytime together when you dont need so much time for the caretaking things to be done.
i admire your strengh and hope that you know that you can be sooo proud of yourself.
wished i could help
hope, your next week will be better
greetings anni
Sounds like you made a sound decision for you both! <3 I'm glad you are taking your well being as well as your mother's into account. You are important to and caregiver burnout is nothing fun to deal with, sounds like the universe worked some wonders to get both you and your Mum exactly what you needed <3 best of wishes to her and to you.... **HUGS**
A very difficult but very wise decision.
I am sure You will not post this, as it doesn't " pat you on the back"for finding other care for your mother. I feel that we as our parents children should take care of them until they depart. By viewing your blog, it doesn't appear you have financial struggles which would not permit you to get help in the home. Best for your mother?..... How about your comment where she cried and cried because you were 'nt there. Very sad. Hope your children do not treat you this way when you are unable to care for yourself. Or maybe they will...since you are probably their role model.
Thank you for your interesting and personal blog. I relate to so much of what you share. (And we share a first name.) Hearing this situation is a big help to me and has made me think of some steps I may need to take when the time comes. My mom is 102, lives with my husband and me, is very independent, very hard of hearing and almost blind. It is wonderful to see how many people responded with knowledge, love and compassion. Makes me realize that caring people are all around us.
hugs,
Rosemary H
It makes me crazy that you were not informed about the days available for your mother to recuperate!
This place sounds great! So glad you got some help. Your mother will get better so much faster with professional help.
God bless you both.
Janie
Hi Rosemary,
My best wishes to you and your Mom. I can't imagine what this would be like, but it sounds like you Mom is in good hands and having you nearby can only be a good thing for her and in helping her get stronger each day.
Susan
Please ignore the negative comment someone left above. It's easy to be judgmental when you haven't personally lived through a situation. And even if she had lived through it, we are all different and respond differently to the stresses in our lives. You have cared for and loved your mother beautifully through the years, and it is clear that you are still doing so. I will be blessed if my children treat me with the same love you have treated your mother with when I am old. Thank you for being a good example.
Beth and everyone....
Thanks for your words of comfort. The anonymous comment really hurt me. I have no children and my mother and I are the end of the line. I have to try and preserve my own physical and mental health because there's nobody to take care of me. I know my mother understands this because we have discussed what will happen to me many times. This is just a temporary solution to our problem.
xo, Rosemary
In response to the negative (anonymous, of course) comment you received, Beth's response was perfect. The negative commenter has no idea what your particular situation is and was exceedingly discourteous to presume what is best for you and/or your mom.
I simply don't understand why people feel the need to intentionally hurt other people. The commenter must be a very unhappy person with a need to attempt to make others feel as bad as he/she does. Sad.
Sending hugs and support.
God be with you .your mother and her care givers. I know this is a hard time. Both of my in-laws had to stay in a care home for a while , both regained their streingth and go back to their home. I know when they were in the care home they were aloud to stay for 180 days which it ttoo every one for my father in law to get back on his feet.
Dear Rosemary...my neighbor, who was hospitalized after a fall, and is now temporarily in a nursing facility, is coming home on Dec. 19. Today, I sent her daughter a photo of me taking care of her 3 cats to cheer her up. I'm so grateful I can do SOMETHING to help. I am trying to be as patient as possible with my widowed mother. She gets very moody and nervous. I so hope that your mother improves enough for it to make sense for her to come home to the cottage some day. Take good care of yourself.
To me, from my perch at a distance, having been where you are, and having no children as well, this temporary mending step dramatically changes the kind of energy you can now give to Mother. Mother needs a level of care that you haven't been able to give her, how could you, you're not set up for constant care and rehabilitaation, you sensed this, you faced it, with your eyes wide open you took action on HER behalf, the energy you were giving her at home was mixed and becoming strained, she does not need mixed energy coming from you. So now you can give her what she needs from you, your beautiful spirit, you lavish love, your wit and wisdom, THIS is what she needs now that she's in the hands of the special healing place. Try to be at peace with yourself so you can give her as much peace as possible in return.
-Flo
I agree with everything that has been said above.
Peace, be at peace Rosemary.
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